


flame of love

by blkvelvets



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 02:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14684940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blkvelvets/pseuds/blkvelvets
Summary: a story for bae joohyun and all the women she's loved.





	flame of love

she’s 17 when she realizes she’s in love with kang seulgi. 

it’s the worst realization in her life, even worse than that time when she was 15 and went to visit her father at work, walking past his secretary’s empty desk and into his office and dropping her coffee all over the expensive white carpet– because that’s definitely not her mother he was kissing. but no, this is worse. a hundred times worse.

because kang seulgi is her best friend. because best friends shouldn’t want to kiss their best friends; best friends should want to do normal best friend things, should think about normal best friend things, like going to the mall or gossiping about cute guys and girls or planning out their last summer together before college. but joohyun can’t think about any of that when she’s with seulgi. somehow, going to the mall and gossiping about cute guys and girls and planning out their last summer together before college becomes seulgi, seulgi, seulgi. seulgi and how she talks with her hands when she gets excited. seulgi and how joohyun can’t stop thinking about how it would feel to kiss her, maybe on one of those nights when they’re laying in joohyun’s bed and the lights are dim and seulgi’s head is on joohyun’s shoulder.

seulgi, and how irresponsibly in love joohyun is in with her. 

and she’s not sure exactly how it happened. it snuck up on her, hit her right in the head– and it hurts. because she already knows how this is going to play out.

there are two options as she sees it. 

option one. she tells seulgi. seulgi, miraculously, will feel the same way. they will fall in love together, they will get date nights, joohyun will get to learn what it sounds like when seulgi says her name between breathy moans at three in the morning. _we’re lucky_ , seulgi will say, when they’re cuddled up together on the couch or on the bed or wherever they find themselves. and joohyun will agree; she’ll let seulgi kiss her good morning and good night, let herself find solace in the girl she has fallen in love with.

but then comes the bad part. the heartbreak. seulgi will become distant. she will start hiding her phone. there will be no more date nights, no more good morning and goodnight kisses, no more passionate glances from across the room or seulgi leaning on her in the dark. they will fall apart. it’s as simple as that. joohyun will go to college and seulgi will follow a year later; but in that year, seulgi will forget about joohyun. and joohyun will let her heart be broken.

and then there’s the second option. she tells seulgi. seulgi will reject her. they will never speak again. joohyun will spend the rest of her senior year in absolute misery; seulgi will no longer come to her graduation or hold her hand when they walk to the mall or hold joohyun while they watch scary movies. for all intents and purposes, seulgi will disappear from her life.

(there’s a third option. a much happier one. but joohyun doesn’t even want to think about that one. there’s no use in giving herself false hope.)

//

“tired?” joohyun laughs softly, turning to tuck a wisp of seulgi’s hair behind her ear. they’re laying in seulgi’s bed, seulgi resting her head on joohyun’s shoulder as the older girl taps on some game on her phone. “you can go to sleep. it’s late.”

“nope, not yet,” seulgi mumbles into joohyun’s shoulder. “you still haven’t told me how your day was.”

(god, maybe that’s what she loves the most about seulgi. the girl is kind to a fault. always checking up on her, always making her fall for her harder and harder. joohyun almost hates it. _almost_.)

“it was okay,” she says at first, but because seulgi looks so beautiful under the dim lighting of her room, she can’t stop herself from tacking on something disgustingly romantic. “better now that i’m with you.”

seulgi, of course, reacts as expected. “so cheesy,” she laughs into joohyun– she can’t see it for sure, but joohyun already knows seulgi’s wrinkling her nose, cheeks red. it’s too easy to get her flustered. 

there’s silence, for a while. the only sounds in the dark room are joohyun’s occasional taps against her phone screen and the indistinct pounding of her heart against her ribcage– seulgi’s lips are dangerously close to her skin, and the faint possibilities joohyun’s brain is inventing for her isn’t helping her calm down at all. she can’t help but wonder what would happen if she turned her head just a little, what would happen if she tilted seulgi’s jaw just the right way, just enough to know what seulgi’s lips feel like against her.

it’s a hell of a temptation.

luckily, she doesn’t have to think too much about it. because then seulgi’s the one pressing her hand against joohyun’s cheek, tilting her head downwards until joohyun’s lips are able to be pressed against her own. 

(joohyun knows that first kisses are always horribly cliched. they are nothing like the ones in the movies, where boy meets girl in a downpour and they kiss like their lives are ending the next day, like all they have is one night. joohyun’s always found it all to be absolutely ridiculous.)

and yet this feels absolutely _magical_ , everything like every first kiss in every romance flick she’s ever watched. seulgi’s grip on her jaw weakens as they melt into the kiss, falling together, and _god_ , this must be what heaven feels like. heaven is kang seulgi’s lips on hers, heaven is this moment, right here.

and that’s the turning point. that’s when everything changes.

//

and, for a while, everything is good. perfect, even. it’s the kind of love that joohyun thought she would never experience, never in her wildest dreams. seulgi is good. she’s loving and caring and she holds joohyun when she can’t sleep and they talk about everything, everything from when they were kids to their future to everything in between. 

and maybe, for a little while, joohyun lets herself believe in the unstated option three. in the happily ever after she has never truly believed in. seulgi is kind and wonderful and everything she has ever dreamed of; joohyun gets her date nights, her morning kisses, her sloppy makeout sessions in the back of her car. it’s perfect.

it’s better than perfect, actually.

joohyun can’t really explain it. there’s something about seulgi that entrances her. she wants to spend all her time melting into her– kang seulgi is an absolute fairytale.

“i love you,” seulgi says it first. there’s nothing particularly special happening at the time; they’re spending one of the rare hot days in spring at the beach, basking in the rays of the sun. seulgi manages to coax her into the cool water– joohyun’s not sure how it exactly happens. one moment, she’s laying on the sand, content. the next, seulgi’s pulled her into the ocean, wrapping her arms around joohyun’s waist as they settle into the shallow water. seulgi’s forehead leans against hers; beads of water drip off of seulgi’s tanned skin, and joohyun can’t help but find it more than slightly attractive. “i love you,” seulgi says, and joohyun knows that their love is a fairytale come true.

 

//

spring turns into summer. the flowers bloom, the birds begin singing again, and joohyun falls deeper and deeper. soon enough, nearly every waking moment is spent with seulgi. they’ve always been connected, ever since they declared each other best friends at the tender age of six.

and, yes, maybe it’s naive to believe in joohyun’s option three (even if it does seem like it’s becoming more and more realistic with every day spent together) because young love rarely works out, because she’s being blinded by her emotions, because she knows all the facts– but something about seulgi makes her not want to care. 

it’s frightening, joohyun thinks, how easily seulgi makes her want to throw away everything she’s ever known. is it too early to be throwing around the word soulmate?

it’s strange, really, because joohyun has always said that she doesn’t believe in soulmates. it’s such a vague concept. how in the world is it possible to only be destined for one love? 

but seulgi looks at her like she’s the only one that she’ll ever love, and maybe that’s enough.

//

“why do you have to go so far?” seulgi mumbles into joohyun’s shoulder, so softly that joohyun almost doesn’t catch the sorrow in her voice. 

almost.

“it’s not that far away, baby,” joohyun tries her best to reassure, turning slightly to caress seulgi’s cheek and kiss seulgi’s forehead softly. seulgi’s eyes flutter shut at the gentle affection, leaning into joohyun’s touch. they stay like that for a moment, seulgi seeking comfort in the reassurance that only joohyun can offer. “you can call me as much as you want, and i’ll drive up when i can, okay?”

“okay,” seulgi murmurs into the darkness. “i love you.”

“i love you too.”

//

joohyun leaves her hometown with a car packed full of items she’s not sure she really needs and a handful of kisses from seulgi. seulgi doesn’t want to let her go, she can tell, because she holds her hands a little too tight and stares at joohyun like it’s the last time they’ll ever see each other.

“i’ll visit in a few weeks,” joohyun comforts. “i promise.”

“a few weeks,” seulgi repeats, nodding slowly. “okay. a few weeks.”

“i’m only an hour away.” joohyun says, kissing seulgi one more time. “i love you.”

“i love you too.”

//

college is hard.

joohyun spends her first month relatively stress free. she goes to all her classes. she makes friends. she completes all her assignments on time, even the ones that she sees almost no point in doing. she calls seulgi when she can, hushed phone calls in efforts not to wake her roommate, wendy, who has been nothing but kind since the moment they met. 

their phone calls are short, concise and to the point. seulgi tells joohyun about her weeks. they’re mostly uneventful, but still laced with plenty of soft platitudes of _i miss you_ and _i love you_. 

“i don’t think i’ll ever get used to you not being here,” seulgi says at the beginning of the third week. “i hear a joke and i want to look for you, but you’re not there.”

“i’ll be there soon,” joohyun sighs, brushing her hair as she listens to seulgi’s complaints. it’s 11am on a saturday- saturdays used to be just for her and seulgi. they would do anything, from exploring a new part of the city to spending all day at the mall to just laying in bed together. it didn’t matter. as long as they were with each other, even silence could be enjoyed.

but now saturdays are different. joohyun has a lot to do; she has a paper due monday, not to mention readings for her 8am class. no more dates. no more saturdays just for kang seulgi.

“you’re never here,” seulgi continues like joohyun hasn’t spoken– her voice is strained and joohyun can hear the slight sniffle between her words. she’s been crying.

“seulgi, babe–“ joohyun grabs her keys and shifts her phone to her other ear, only to be greeted by the soft buzz of an ended call. 

_i’m sorry_.

//

joohyun feels guilty. 

she’s not sure why. she’s not sure of a lot of things, actually, other than the bottle in her hand and the fact that the floor of wendy’s friend’s apartment is very, very cold. 

it’s 11pm on a saturday. seulgi hasn’t contacted her once since she hung up on her that morning. joohyun texted her some semblance of an apology afterwards, thoroughly laced with (in her opinion) all the right words and just the right amount of groveling. 

(she’s not really sure what she’s apologizing for. being busy? going to college? not being there for seulgi’s jokes? is it such a crime to grow up?)

joohyun’s been checking her phone every four minutes for the past twelve hours anyway, double-checking and triple-checking and quadruple-checking her notifications; at least, she was, until wendy’s friend (another girl who runs in wendy’s foreign circle, krystal) snatched her phone in her hands and replaced it with a cold beer.

now it’s just joohyun, her beer, and her guilt.

“you’ve been moping around all day,” wendy’s voice startles joohyun out of her inattentive state– joohyun jumps a little and wendy laughs and it’s the first time joohyun’s smiled all day. “it’s the weekend, joohyun unnie, enjoy it.”

“i am,” joohyun smiles. she knows it must not quite reach her eyes, because the warm look in wendy’s eyes quickly fade into concern. “don’t worry about me, wendy,” joohyun is quick to add.

wendy opens her mouth to say something, probably those wise words of advice she’s famous around campus for, and joohyun braces herself for something entirely too cheesy to be fully comfortable with. 

“girls!” krystal shouts from the kitchen, and joohyun’s shoulders slump from relief. “jinri got the vodka!”

and then wendy laughs and joohyun smiles and the moment is over, almost as fast as it begun.

//

it’s monday at 8pm when seulgi finally calls.

joohyun lets it ring.

//

maybe the guilt is really starting to get to her, because seulgi calls again five minutes later and joohyun can’t resist picking up the phone.

“you’re ignoring me,” seulgi says, and joohyun’s tempted to say something rash like _that’s rich coming from you_ or something equally as detrimental.

she settles on a “sorry, i was in the shower” instead. her hair is dry as a bone and her towel is hanging where she left it that morning, but seulgi’s an hour away by car; what does she know? seulgi scoffs like she doesn’t quite believe her, and the call falls silent.

“you hurt me,” seulgi says, very quietly.

“i’m sorry,” joohyun responds, equally as soft.

“come back,” seulgi pleads, and joohyun’s heart breaks at the pain in her voice. 

(it’s her that’s caused it. the pure anguish coming from the girl that she loves– it’s all her fault, isn’t it?) 

and maybe that key realization is what causes the dam to break. everything is hurting far too much all at once, and suddenly joohyun’s gasping for air, eyes blurring under the pressure of so many tears. “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” she sobs, broken apologies bleeding together between battered breaths. 

seulgi lets her cry, the broken sounds of despair heaving through her phone an hour away. “it’s okay,” she finally soothes, hushing her softly. “i still love you.”

//

this was a mistake, joohyun thinks.

laying in seulgi’s bed isn’t anything but awkward now; she had come to seulgi’s house as soon as she drove back to her hometown, surprising her at the front door with flowers and kisses and _“god, it’s so good to see you”_. it’s easy enough to fall into bed together like it’s just another saturday; like they just got home from yet another trip to the movies where they just couldn’t keep their hands off each other on the way back. 

but joohyun’s heart has stopped racing every time seulgi’s lips brush against hers. she doesn’t want to think about what that means. 

this is supposed to be their grand reunion; this is supposed to be what weeks of waiting have paid off for, weeks of tears and fighting and counting down until the day when their love will stop feeling so distant, at least for a little while.

but now the day is here. seulgi is in her arms. everything is supposed to be fixed now, right?

why does it still feel like joohyun is miles away?

//

joohyun goes back to college when the weekend is over. seulgi sends her away with a kiss that feels like nothing, just some pressure on her cheek that reminds her nothing of love and soulmates and fairytale stories. 

and maybe, just maybe, seulgi feels it too. maybe she feels it in the sparks that have long since faded since that day at the beach when joohyun kissed seulgi’s sun-kissed skin and made every promise she shouldn’t have. 

like when joohyun was young and her father bought her a cheap toy from the carnival; a candle that promised to never fade away. she had kept it on her desk, watched over it like a hawk, ensuring that the light would never burn out. after a week, she brought it to her father, tears streaming down her small face.

“some things aren’t meant to last, sweetheart,” he had said, flipping through his newspaper as he reclined on the couch. and so the candle went to the trash, disregared amongst food waste and candy wrappers and every thing else that is meant to be thrown away and forgotten completely.

some things aren’t meant to last, she reminds herself. it’s just a way of life.

//  
when joohyun was twelve, she broke her arm. nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary about it; she broke her arm the way most twelve year olds do, with their reckless movement and playground antics. 

she didn’t cry, though. she remembers sitting in the back of her mom’s old car, staring out the window and counting the bicycles that passed by. there was a certain kind of numbness that day, the kind that blocked the tears and the adrenaline and the fear pounding in her heart.

that’s how joohyun’s always been. no tears, not even when she was a toddler. quiet, emotionless, never smiling. that’s how it has always been. she’s never really seen a problem with it. no one can hurt you unless you let them.

but seulgi is all it takes for her to break. the once strong, uncaring bae joohyun– brought down by the greatest emotion of them all.

“you can’t be serious,” seulgi says, almost laughing in her disbelief. “joohyun, it’s not funny.”

“i’m not trying to be funny,” joohyun swallows, picking at the fringe of her jeans. “don’t make this harder than it has to be, seulgi, please–“

“i love you,” seulgi replies, bold and unashamed and, _god_ , joohyun can feel her heart break all over again. “i love you, joohyun, don’t do this to me.”

“i’m sorry–“

“no, joohyun, _please_ –“

that’s the last thing joohyun hears before she hangs up.

and _god_ , this hurts, more than nearly snapping her arm falling off the jungle gym in sixth grade, more than catching her father betraying his wedding vows, more than anything she’s experienced in her life. 

it hurts. joohyun never thought anything would hurt like this. like lighting, like mother nature herself has unleashed decades of bitterness and pain on bae joohyun herself.

god, what had gone wrong? they had been so perfect for each other, back when everything was alright. 

she sinks to the floor; bae joohyun lets herself cry.

//

_dear kang seulgi– all fairy tales must come to an end eventually._

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @blkveivets


End file.
